Magpie’s top ten WORST

I love films, who doesn’t, but every now and then we come across a film that sets our teeth on edge. You know you’ve found such a monstrosities when you realize, dear god I’d rather be reading.

10. The Rum Diary This was so boring I actually had to get up and leave. Of course as soon as I did Mum and Dad decided to turn on Will & Grace Thank you oh gracious givers of life, I bear no ill will to you at all. *glass breaks in hand* None what so ever.

9. The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie This is one of those films that, while not technically falling into the category of bad leaves you saying “oh, my life would have been a hundred times better without seeing that.”

8. The Last Airbender Like I said in my stand alone review of it I don’t think this is a bad film because it betrayed and din’t do justice to the source material. I think this is a bad film because it didn’t do justice to it’s self, the thing is it didn’t start badly in fact it was quite good *not the original good true but it was holding it’s own*

It’s just the endless expatiation undid it, which if they’d had a good editor really would not have been needed!

7. Iron Man 2  You maybe wandering why I didn’t say Iron Man 3 instead, seeing in how I gave it such a scaling review before? Well, even though the third one was profoundly stupid and insulting to the very character it was supposed to be developing *take it to account that this is a character who I hate so if i say it’s insulting you know it really is* it did at least have a point.

Marvel wasn’t just trying to make a bunch of superhero movies willy nilly, no they were making them in same universe. Which is a far greater task, each film has to leave a mark or really it was just a waist of space. As daft as the third iron man was it did at least do that, it was a stupid impact but it was at least an impact.

6. Mr. St. Nick Oh Kelsey why?! Why!? You can act, and generally you choose things that let you. The prime word here being generally!

5. Fast & Furious 6 Let’s something strait here the rest of these films were not good, heck they were barley even combatant… they were not as bad as this convoluted sexist and plot-less piece of trash.

4. Step Up Ever wonder what could be worst then having an actor who can’t  act in your film? Try having a dancer who can’t dance, clearly writers who can not write as well as many actors who can not act!

3. Cocktail This film is the biggest load of sexist, money grabbing, poorly written, horribly paced bullshit I’ve ever seen and is under the misconception that Tom Cruise is likable.

2. Seven Pounds Made at the height as what I shall affectionately call Will Smith’s martyrdom , this film made people want to kill themselves… and it was called the feel good film of the year.

1. Bakshi’s Lord of the Rings Abomination of all things right and good in the world. I have discovered a new level of hell and it’s creator’s name is Bakshi!

I can’t stop myself, I may have a problem

I keep telling myself I’m going to stop with each one, yet here we are again. Suffering the post traumatic stress that comes from reading the Anita Blake books. In this case the travesty simply known as Bullet and… it wasn’t awfull

Okay maybe that’s going a bit far, by normal standards it was still an insult to the written word it’s self, but as far as Hamilton’s works go it wasn’t the worst. Certainly a far cry from the plot swallowing monster that was Kiss the Dead.

It manged to keep the general creepiness of the story with out going too far off track. Where there unbelievable boring bits, oh my yes, but then again its a  Vampire Hunter Novel. And again to be fair it didn’t have that many…well it certainly didn’t have as much as it’s successor.

I think it’s pointless to mention Anita herself, if you’ve read my blog before you know how much I really loath this character in general and if you haven’t well here it is now I generally just all around hate her and she certainly doesn’t improve in this installment.

Richard: I never really bought into the whole Pod Richard debated. Probably because I’ve never, nor do I intend to read Circus of the Damned
the book he was first introduced in.

From what I saw he was a strong character who’s been put through hell. He generally loved Anita, though couldn’t forgive for cheating on him with her bloody stalker! He actually put the needs of his people before Anita and generally didn’t take any of her crap.

So what happened to make me so angry? They made him homophobic!  Yeah I know that we’re supposed to already think that and this was him getting past it, but still… I didn’t see him as that to begin with.

He hated vampires, he apparently hated his beast, and he wouldn’t let Anita feed the Ardure off him. But from what I read there’s nothing specific that could make Richard seem  Homophobic   Other then he’s not attracted to other men. Are we suppose to take that as Homophobia when up till this book Anita was the same way with woman.

But whatever Hamilton has no problem rewriting other history to make her point so why should this one be any different! Like that bit where they’re talking about when Anita cheated on him. He admits to manipulating her so she would hate his beast as much as he did.

Except again that’s not what happened, all he did was do what she’s been badgering to do for the entire of The Killing Dance , kill the Ulfric. He did that, she got freaked out because he then ate him but that’s how werewolves bury their dead. Granted he did change into a wolf on top of her but only to stop her from killing one of his pack, be it an evil one but she was still part of the pack nether the less!

You know what, I could on about this all day and we’d still end up in the same place. It’s done, it’s happened I’ll just have to lump it.

Besides even at his most warped Richard is nearly as annoying as the unwanted hell spawn of Satan himself; Micah

Remember him, shows up rapes are main protagonist and then is cast as her main love intrist. Yeah well he’s still here and apparently a great leader despite the fact that he’s not physically that strong.

Okay…you know what I could buy that idea. I could swallow it, if there’d been any indication that it was true.But all Micah’s done for the last severely books is tell Anita how great she is. Yet we’re suppose to believe that he’s a better leader then Richard and Rafael?

Fine, fine show me! Show me him being a good king, for that matter show being something more then a wuss who hides behind Anita’s legs at the first sign of trouble.

But hey, maybe I could even have gotten use to that as well, it’s no worse then expecting us  to like him without reason.That was until he started to get uppity with the other leaders, like he actually believes  he’s someone to be respected. and they just take it, like arguing back would make them the devil. What am I saying , it’s a Laurel K. Hamilton novel of course it is.

Haven: He dies, I  don’t really care because I didn’t like him anyway, but just before the big battle where our heroine shoots him between the eyes he says this.

You shouldn’t have let me come, you shouldn’t have let me kill the old Rex

Anita agrees and then kills them, this isn’t a bit I  hated it’s just nice to see even her author sometimes sees how stupid and short sighted Anita can be.

So as you can see there’s a lot I don’t like in this…book, but i think i took the most umbridge with was when they deiced they have to make a Vampire council in America. And if the other Master’s of the cities don’t agree to join and give up some of their power to Jean Claude then they’ll be mind raped.

Our Heroes explain away this act of evil by saying they have to, to ward off the Mother of all Darkness. People will think they’re monsters just like the first Vampire council  but they’ll know that they’re just trying to protect themselves

I want to say I”m surprise at this new low but really I don’t think I have it in me anymore, This is just what we’ve come to expect from this writer

Sky Wrong, just so very wrong

*rocks self in fettle position* If I don’t think about it, it’ll go away, If I don’t think about it! *sobs* Alright, alright I think I can mange one blog post, oh god! *shudders*

As we delve into the darkest reaches of my memories, we see strange things. Like lights from the sky that possess you if you look at them, giant spacecrafts that suck people up by the hundreds and the most horrendous thing of all: Donald Faison being squished by a giant Alien foot.

Finally we reach the heart of the storm my mind has become and we find the cause of all this discord: a little film simplly calling itself Skyline

I’m going to save you from a lot of pain right now, everyone dies. Men, Women, children, old men, tiny fluffy dogs, people who were on Scrubs , alien chow.

But oh you say, surely the two main characters, one of whom is pregnant must survive. Well they do last the longest I’ll give you that , but they’re gonna be eaten , you just can’t escape the enviable.

Oh god, that giant foot just jumped to the forefront of my mind, I better stop while I’m still coherent. I’d say watch this film it’s at least not boring, but I couldn’t hate anyone that much.