Marvel’s Civil War: A review

You know who I hate, who deserves everything coming to them, as in horrible and gruesome deaths possibly by the hordes of shape-shifting aliens attacking their planet: The people of the Marvel Universe.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the superheroes, although there are certainly some jerky ones out there, but I’ll get to them later. No I’m talking about the every day people, the crowd that gathers around the many, many disasters and fights that happen in that world. So why, you may be asking, am I so hateful to a fictional group of people who as a whole don’t have enough personality to fill a small paper cup, well the answer can be found very easily, by flicking through the pages of Civil War.

Ah ‘Civil War’81rk5UPa7IL one of Marvel’s big crossover events, a mini series with numerous tie-in comics  and lasting effects for the Marvel world as a whole. Well, I say lasting… A collection of comic books so hated by many a fan that they’ve been know to wish it never existed. But oh it did, it did, and let me tell you it’s infamy for bad writing, some quite frankly shoddy artwork, at least where  faces were concerned, a ridiculous premise and the inability to convey any likability in the person we were supposed to be routing for, are all well earned.

Okay so there’s a lot of stupid-ness to go over, so we might as well start with the beginning. So how does this travesty of comic proportions begin?Well, like most bad things in the world, with reality TV. Right, so the short of it is, these assholes playing at superhero are shooting this reality TV show about, well I assume being a superhero. To get ratings up they decided to do a raid on this house where a bunch of super villains are holed up. Just as it looks like they might come out on top one of the villains blows up a school, thus provoking the government to create the superhero registration act. I repeat: one of the Villains blows up a school. Why, you ask, am I emphasizing villains? Because that’s never really addressed in the comic.

Yeah the public just jump straight on the band wagon of ‘let’s blame the heroes’. Not just those specific heroes, no all heroes. I wouldn’t mind so much, because the heroes involved weren’t blameless, they should have tried harder to get the villain away from the bystanders…but the fact that there even was a villain there in the first place is just glanced over. Tony Stark  makes some off hand remark about him hitching a ride out of town, and then that’s it…never brought up again. Or at least not in the main mini series, I heard somewhere that Wolverine goes after him, but it doesn’t make it into the main story-line and the regular population as a whole still refuses to acknowledge his part in it all .

So all and all the reason behind the registration action ends up looking like a great big fat excuse. Which I wouldn’t mind so much, if it was intentional! But no, we’re supposed to see this as a reasonable reaction, supposed to be completely on the side of people who let’s face it basically start up a superhero witch-hunt and we’re not even giving a legitimate reason to agree with them. And you know what really bugs me about this, almost as much as a condoned witch-hunt in the pages of my comic-book? It could have been very easy to fix, all they’d have to do would be to make one tiny change to the beginning: have one of the heroes blow up the school. Not deliberately of course, just a simple misfire and *clicks fingers* 700 lives are extinguished and your story just got a little bit better.

The injustace of a sock

We’ve have just arrived back from the most magical, the most extraordinary, the most out standing place in the whole entire world…Asda. Feeling slightly disappointed , well tuff I spend most of my life writing so any other free time is pretty boring. Trust me this was the most exiting trip thing that’s happened in months.

Anyway not really the point of the story, so what is the point you may be asking? Well really, it’s socks. Or more accurately the coolest of the men’s socks compared to the women’s socks. In fact men generally have cooler clothes then women!

Now before you misunderstand me, I’m not taking about the cut or the style all those of quite fine with, no what I’m talking about are the merchandise clothes. You know clothes with a fictional charter or symbol on them, the kind marketing people sell to hope you’ll buy their original product as well.

Women do have that as well, it’s just men’s one’s are so much better. Let’s see take for instance the socks I spoke of earlier. In the woman’s section we had a pink SpongeBob *it was raising money for breast cancer research* and in the men they had also SpongeBob , Muppets, Avengers, Ninja Turtles and I think that’s about it. It was a smallish shop, but I believe my point still stands.

I can’t even begin to fathom why this would be, but then I was just as confused at the myth that only men read comic books. That only men like superheroes. Have you seen superheroes? Trust me men aren’t the only one’s who like them. The Avengers did not become so successful with just a male audience. You don’t have to adapt crappy Anita Blake books to attract more women to comic books because they’re all ready reading them!!!




Should Batman just get over himself?

I do not hate Batman, in fact he ties for the spot of my seconded favourite superhero with Deadpool. Only being beating by the awesomeness that is Captain America. We clear? Good, because what I’m about to say is going to sound very anti Batman so I just want you to know I’ve nothing agaist him as a character per say.

Look, I know that losing your parents is a traumatic thing, especially so young and in such a violent way. And I can appreciate the part it plays in Batman’s narrative and motivation as a character, but all of this could be appreciated better if they didn’t go on and on about it.

I’m not talking about the comics, ’cause honestly I have no idea what happens in them I simply don’t read DC. Maybe it’s less grating there, maybe there’s more then just that backstory to keep Batman as the dark brooder that everyone loves so much.

Because that’s what this is all about really and I hate to say this but it’s like Iron Man. Yes while I hate to admit the Dark Knight has anything in common with the walking venereal disease known as Iron Man besides money and having no actual powers. Neither of them in the adaptions I’ve seen are allowed to grow as a character , or at least not too much. In the first film Iron man is allowed to grow and change so he could become Iron Man but that is where it stopped. The Batman films are at least better then that, but the same can not be said for the animated Justice League series.

We get it, it’s bad they’re dead it made batman cry shut up already! I mean it’s not like Batman has anything or anyone other then his now what 30 years dead parents to care and worry over…. Oh wait…

But you know what really gets me, as surprising as this may be its not that they won’t shut up about it, it’s that everyone seems convinced that Batman’s got the most tragic backstory. Or even more annoyingly that he’s the only one with a tragic backstory.

Well let’s take a look at our other heroes shall we?

Dick Graison: Parents also killed in front of him *I think, as I said before I’m no expert*

Superman: Whole planet was blown up before he could even walk.

And that’s only the DC superheroes! *Or at least the ones who’s back stories I know*

In Marvel we’ve got…

The Hulk: Has to continuously battle his inner demons less he kill everyone he’s ever cared about.

Black Widow: Taken at a young age and trained to be a killing machine.

Iron man : Father was an Abusive alcoholic.

Captain America: Father was also an alcoholic and both parents died before he reached adulthood. Oh yeah and he lived through the depression, fought in World War Two, then got frozen and woke up 70 years later to a world he didn’t recognise or understand, where everyone he ever knew or loved was long dead.

Yeah you’re right, Batman’s by far the most tragic.

The Good Old Days

Here’s the thing you need to know before we begin, I spend an inurnment amount of my day reading Fan fiction. Probably more time then really is healthy but whatever there you go, it’s what I do. So saying that, I’ve read quite a bit of Avengers fanfics and I’ve noticed that there seems to be a repeated phrase in fics concerning Captain America… old fashioned values!

What does that even mean? Yeah I get that he’s from the forties and there for his thinking might be a bit behind the times, but be more specific. It’s rarely if ever expanded on what these morals exactly are. It’s like they just decided this was the way he had to be without giving a reason why or how or for that matter paying any attention to the source materiel.

Yeah watch Captain America or The Avengers for that matter and you’ll find these supposed out of date morals are pretty thin on the ground.  But everything had to come from somewhere… so where the fuck did this come from?

Could it be the waiting for the right partner stick they had in Captain America? Did people think they meant wait until marriage to have sex? Admittedly a pretty old fashioned point of view but again it wasn’t there to bloody begin with!

What he actually said was I just haven’t found the right partner…for dancing!  *sigh* Unless you’re different from practically everyone *including myself sadly* then you did not take this at face value and instead took it as a metaphor for virginity. So the lesson here is wait until you have the right partner until you have sex? Well what’s wrong with that?

It’s not like it’s saying the right partner has to be a spouse or anything like that, just that their has to be love. It’s a nice message *if it’s actually there at all* but not partially old fashioned, the idea that you’re first time should be if not with someone you love then at least someone you care about is still preached in different media and by different people today.

A weird one that keeps popping up is his patriotism. Now forgive me if I’m wrong *I’m not an American* But don’t American Schools still make their students pledge allegiance to the American flag?

Even putting that slightly creepy fact aside, although he does wear a suit of the flag plastered to his body Captain American doesn’t show what can specifically be clash as grade A patriotism.  Sure he got into a fight with a guy talking loudly through a propaganda news reel but that was more about his respect for the soldiers themselves what they were doing then America specifically. If anything the film deconstructs that kind of over the top thinking that America has developed a reputation for.

Okay this next bit I can’t stress enough… Captain America is not a Homophobe!  Even if you forget that he’s played by  Chris Evens who’s for gay marriage and thinks it’s an embarrassment that this is even a debate anymore or that the Captain in the comics actually has a whole comic book devoted to talking about Homophobia and how wrong and just plain stupid it is, and instead just focus on the 2011 film you still come off  looking really, really stupid.

Homophobia is a form a bulling and not only does the film have a very strong anti bulling message but the character of Steve Rogers himself whole reason for wanting to fight in the war was that he didn’t like bullies no matter where they came from. You really think someone who felt that strongly would tolerate that sort of behaviour in somebody else let alone himself?

Speaking of the anti bulling theme  we finally come down to by far the most annoying of all of these “reasons”…exactly that. Apparently not likening bulling is a completely old fashioned and out of date concept. Oh yeah it’s not like anyone speaks out against bulling now a days!!!

*Sigh* At least with the others, although they may have been disregarding Steve Rogers characterization as a whole they at least had some small basis in attempted logic but this, this is just nuts. The idea that standing up to bullies, fighting for what is right and standing up for those who can’t defend for themselves is something that we’ve out grown is not only the stupidest thing to say in a world full of superheroes! Butt to imply that that’s an improvement is one of the sickest and most despicable things that I’ve ever herd.