The one Button to rule them all

A couple of nights ago we watched The Hobbitand I noticed something rather odd. Take a look at some of the clothes of the people of middle earth and tell me which on doesn’t fit.





If you said anything but Bilbo Baggins then…well I’m smarter then you. Don’t take it personally, I’m smarter then most people. It’s just a cross I have to bare.

So anyway, what makes Bilbo Baggins or any hobbit for that matter so different from all the other species in middle Earth put together? Well I can answer that with one single word…Buttons!

The world of middle earth is in essence a miedevel one. That is except for Hobbits. While everyone else is wearing tunics and chain mail our fury toed friends are sporting waist coats and pocket handkerchiefs.

Or heck why stop at clothes? Stoves, indoor plumbing, clocks; from the looks of things hobbits are more advanced in everything.

Okay maybe not everything, they certainly don’t have advanced weaponry of any kind. But if we’re counting by that standard then we might as well call Orcs the most advanced species. Face it gunpowder tops swords and arrows any day of the week.

I’m not judging the other races, they have their merits as well. All I’m saying is when it comes to technology not relating to war IE killing each other, Hobbits are a head of the kerb.

So when you take this all into account there’s something rather annoying that pops up. All the races they come in contact with, in one way or the other are condescending to Hobbits.

Halfling, little one, even Galdrielle’s line

Even the smallest person can change the course of the future

… Frodo might have been small by pretentious elf standards but by his people’s he was a pretty average height.

For god sakes even Gimli calls the hobbits Halflings. Yeah because there’s such a noticeable difference in height between them.

Because Hobbits are peaceful by nature, people assume they’re weak and useless. Even the elves, who being apparently so wise, should know better.

But think about it; in most fiction when a civilisation is shown as incredibly advanced, they’re often show as non violent. Even going far as to abhor it. So who’s really the wisest race in middle earth? The gentle and peaceful hobbits, or the hunting for sport elves.

IT’S OUT!: The Hobbit story

Well it finally happened after a year of waiting, The Hobbit is finally out! So was it as good as the trailers made it seem? Was it as good as the book? In short did it live up to my expectations.

Firstly the book is a dirge, but it’s story isn’t and surprisnly the film actually stayed mostly true to that. A lot more happens in the hobbit then you’d think, the eagles for one, I didn’t know they were in it, and Mum didn’t think the Goblins were either, but we were both wrong. Who’d have thought it.

I really should try and finish the book one of these days, but even if I’ve only read parts I’m sure of one thing; the pale orc was not in that book! I’m not even sure if he was mentioned, so…yeah not the biggest fan of him. God I wish Bilbo would have killed him at the end, but oh well always next film.

Ah our hero, the hobbit in all his hairy footed glory played by John Watson and Arthur Dent himself Martin Freeman. Yes, yes oh god yes! I almost had a brain anriasim, he just rocked that much!!!

I liked how they differentiated the dwarfs, cause in the book they’re all little old men. Here we had young dwarves, old dwarves, ridiculously over tattooed dwarves and who can forget dwarves without beards.

Radagast, what can say about him but, AWESOME!!! I loved how he actually looked stoned when Gandalf offered him some Old Toby. Cause that’s what it is, dope. That’s why everyone’s so happy in the shire, they’re all high as kites.

So yeah I think it was worth the hype, I just…just have one tiny problem. Probably not even worth mentioning but….why was Galadriel there?

She had no point, even her special speak to your brain power was pointless. Quite frankly the film would have been better without her. Just saying, Cate Blanchett should look out for angry Hobbit fans banging on her door, demanding justice.

Practice makes perfect

I hate Elves. Okay has everyone got their pitchforks? Yes, yes good, you in the back with two give one to your friend, he’s only got a torch.

Maybe I should reword that, I don’t think elves are all they’re cracked up to be. Put those things down, just think about it.

Who made the Silmarillions? Who did the Kinslaying? Who hunted dwarves for sport until they found out they were actually a people? In fact, who invented rings of power, which caused all this debacle in the first place?

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying they’re evil, just a bit hypocritical. They’re all like

There is no strength in the hearts of men anymore

Hey they’re trying, we can’t all be blessed Firstborn.

That just solidifies my point doesn’t it, just because they were the first race to wake in middle-earth, does that make them automatically the best? No, but try telling them that.

If anything, judging by the fact that we gradually get better at whatever we’re doing, it would be Hobbits, not Elves who are the best of Eru’s children.

Magpie’s top 10 Hobbit merchandise not too ridiculous to sell

Hobbits are the best race in middle earth, I’m sorry for those of you who likes elves if that offends you; but I’m right and your wrong! *raspberry*

In fact I love hobbits so much that what I want most in the world, more then England’s crown, more then air more even then food: a pair of Hobbit Feet slippers. So on to Amazon I go, and low and behold they do not existed, a whole load of other crap does..but clearly Slippers in the shape of hobbit’s feet is just crossing the line; so here’s ten of them that didn’t.

10. Hobbit Ears Alright, if people can glue these things onto their ears how hard can it be to slip on a pair of hobbit toed slippers; just saying.

9. Hobbit Monopoly I know saying this doesn’t help my argument but; Oh my god this game sounds awesome! However that as it may, my point still stands; making a treasure hunting story into a game about buying and selling properties, a little weird.

8. The Hobbit 3D Puzzle Why, just why? I get marketing and trying to squeeze out as much money as you can, I do it’s just, why?

7. Gandalf The Grey Paperweight and Bonus Foil card How hard was this thing to make, really? You couldn’t have sewn a pair of fury feet together, while you we’re at it? No, even if it’s just for me? *soto voice* I won’t tell.

6. Hobbit Pewter Shot Glasse Rings There are many reasons not to drink,this is now my main one.

5. Staff of Gandalf the Grey Candle Holder *falls over laughing* Okay, okay that was fun, now bring out the real thing, what? That’s it, no no, that’s not it, that’s too funny! Really, that’s real and you want how much for it?! *falls over again*

4. Thorin Oakenshield Key Keychain Is this an actual key, or just a keychain? Hopefully the former, the latter just sounds Wrong.

3. Ringwraith Costume This is for a five year old, I really don’t think I need to say more then that.

2.Barbie and Ken as Aragorn and Arwen Evenstar Oh my god! This is so awful it’s beautiful, this..this, oh god I think I’m gonna cry. *sniff*

1. Sauron’s severed finger That’s it,this is just too ridiculous, I’m done.No rant is worth this kind of torture. *gets up and leaves*

Denial of a Hobbit

Peter Jackson has just announced that instead of making two films out of the J.R. Tolkien Book The Hobbit, he’s now going to be making three films…Oh Dear.

You know what, I could just about handle them making two films out of one book and not even a particularly long book. I could, you know I was prepared to accept that.I’m not prepared to accept this, so I won’t. No instead I’m going to do the only logical course of action ,I’m going to Deny this third film’s very existence. Yes, yes, that’s better! The world make’s a little more sense now, the walls of my reality are no longer crumbling down around me anymore.

That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates

Chip the glasses and crack the plates! Blunt the knives and bend the Forks! That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates- Smash the bottles and burn the corks!

Cut the cloth and tread on the fat! Pour the milk on the pantry floor! Leave the bones on the bedroom mat! Splash the wine on every door!

Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl; Pound them up with a thumping pole;

And when you’ve finished, if any are whole, Send them down the hall to roll!

That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates! So, carefully! carefully with the plates!

Although Bilbo then tells you that the dwarves in fact did not do these things that they were singing about, they were still very bad house guest non the less.

Just imagie for a second that you are Bilbo and it is just before tea time. You’ve had a long day doing well, I’m not quite sure what Bilbo did before The Hobbit
I assume that he was quite well off but I never gathered that he went out and worked. Any way he had had a long day doing what ever he did during the day I don’t know hobbity things I would suppose.

When suddenly there is a knocking at his door. But it is not the Wizard who calls himself Gandalf, who Bilbo had actually invited to tea. No, instead it was some dwarf who intoduced himself as Dwalin. But before he even introduces himself he just pushes inside the hobbit hole and hangs his hood up on a peg on its wall. So Bilbo being the good host and far too polite hobbit that he is invites that dwarf to have tea with him. Said dwarf agrees and they set about having said tea but the door knocks again and low and behold there stands another dwarf who introduces himself as Balin but not before intimating that there are even more uninvited dwarfs on their way. Oh dear god. So Bilbo invites this one to join him for tea as well. Only this one demands beer. Politely worded of course and before Bilbo knows it, his nice warm hobbit hole is crawling with dwarves . All demanding different things to eat and drink.

Some called for ale, and some for porter, and one for coffee, and all of them for cakes; so the hobbit was kept very busy for a while.

Excuse me you people, eh, dwarves were not invited in to this house by it’s owner. Imagine if some stranger, some one that you had never met before in your life just showed up at your door one day, barged in to your house completely uninvited again and then started to demand that you feed them. Although Bilbo did offer them tea. So in a way it was partly his own doing. But still I believe that my point still stands firm. He offered them tea not a bloody feast.

And it only got worse from there before he knew it four more dwarves were at his door but this time Gandalf, the only person that had actualy been invited to this spur of the minute gathering or throng as it is refered to in the book. But instead of explaining to Bilbo why exactly all of these dwarves are in Bilbo’s house gobbling up the the contents of his pantry, Gandalf then precedes to order a glass of red wine and before you know it all the newcomers are getting their orders in. Thorin also wants red wine. Bifur wants raspberry jam and apple-tart. Bofur wants wants mince- pies and cheese. Bombur wants pork-pie and salad and before he knows it there are shouts for more cakes and ale and coffee coming from the kitchen. Then Gandalf tells bilbo to go put on a few eggs there’s a good fellow and just bring out the cold chicken and pickles. My god people are you trying to hire a burglar or a personal chef? Either way I do not believe that this is the way to go about it.

All though these horrendously rude and ungrateful, I might be so bold as to add, house guests that called themselves dwarves,. did lead Bilbo on an adventurer that in the end he enjoyed and was extremly good for him. Never the less I still believe that it was extremely cruel of them to sing that song about breaking plates. Yes, thats a good idea, mock, the person who just fed you mountain loads of food with out any thanks at all I might add. So complete is my outrage for what they put Bilbo through, that I am finding it very hard to care that three of them died. If this is their attitude towards others then quite frankly they have had it coming for a very long time now. uhh! Smash the plates indeed, I ask you!